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Of
late, I've had to spend a lot more time on airplanes than
normal. On
a recent (very delayed on the tarmac) flight, the plane offered the
ability to listen to the Air Traffic Control tower.
While I heard a
number of most interesting comments, none where as interesting as
these. I have no idea if these conversations
actually took place, but
I can certainly imagine them being real.
Without further ado:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have
traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower:
"TWA
2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA
2341:
"We are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower:
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From
an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!"
Ground
Traffic Control:
"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown
aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"
Tower: "United 329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United
329:
"Approach, I've always wanted to say this: I've got the little Fokker
in sight."
A DC-10
had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down. San
Jose Tower noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you
are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101,
make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his
single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic
Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52
that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The
dreaded seven-engine approach."
A Pan Am 727
flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following
-Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground
(in
English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa
(in
English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice
from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower:
"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern
702:
"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted
off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?"
Continental
635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, Roger; and yes, we copied
Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute
little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not
about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it
out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough
parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know
one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am
747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:
"Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground:
"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206:
"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with
quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird
206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,......
and I didn't land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I
told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the
embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've
screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay
right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to
go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?" US
Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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