Historic One-liners, short jokes, and points to ponder.
(continued from last week)

 

To work at Starbucks, should you have graduated Magna Cum Latte?

Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"

I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us.

Never moon a werewolf.

Why can't a pony sing? Because it's a little horse.

What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas.

A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. "I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore."

Can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils?

Is Visine.com a site for sore eyes?

I've told you a million times not to exaggerate!

One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

In high school, my school team was the "Fighting Indians". The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.

Don't go knocking on heaven's door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I love kids! Let's exchange recipes.

In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.

A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I'm lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Are board games supposed to make you bored?

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open.

Why shouldn't you play poker in the savannah? There might be a cheetah.

I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

Duct tape is like "the force". It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

You can say anything foolish to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God! You're right! I would have never thought of that!"

Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.

Animal testing is a bad idea. They get all the answers wrong.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat.

A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.

If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?

Don't look at me with that tone of voice.

It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.

I am having an out of money experience.

Smoking is a dying art.

You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.

Death is hereditary.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

What would you say if Jesus sneezed in front of you?

Two dogs are walking down the street, one says, "Wait a minute" and then crosses the road. He sniffs around a fire hydrant and returns. The other dog says, "What was that all about?" The first dog replies, "Just checking my messages!"

I don't believe in spanking my kids. I find that waving the gun around accomplishes the same thing.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

Can you play sole music with a shoe horn?

Can a match box? No, but a tin can.

Math illiteracy affects 7 out of every 5 people.

I wasn't the class clown in school. I was the class trapeze artist.

I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket.

Money flies when you're having fun.

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

My wife said to bring the magic back in our relationship. So I disappeared!

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be.

Can you find buck teeth at the dollar store?

I know a guy who has a new book coming out. It's one of those self-help books. It's called "How To Get Along With Everybody." I read it and it works! He wrote it with some other stupid jerk.

I had such a terrible childhood, I always wanted to stick my head in an Easy-Bake oven.

The optometrist who got caught in the lens grinder made a spectacle of himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. If you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

In football, why does the running back run forward?

A woman longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so she got a dog. It was cheaper, and she got more feet.

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children."

The constipated composer couldn't finish his last movement.

I know a guy who can't hold his liquor during the winter months. It's probably the mittens.

My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God, and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

What's the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.

Obey gravity! It's the law.

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?

I had a conversation with a guy who could talk your arm off, but he was trying to pull my leg.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

If you were under house arrest, but lived in a mobile home - you could still go wherever you wanted.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."

Mario Andretti recently retired from race car driving. That's a good thing, because he's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.

My father taught me to swim the hard way - he threw me out into the middle of a lake! Learning to swim that way wasn't easy, but the really hard part was getting out of the burlap bag!

There was a doctor, a lawyer and an HMO director at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the doctor,"You can go on in." The lawyer steps up, and St. Peter says, "You can go in on a trial basis." The HMO director is next in line, and St. Peter says, "You can enter, but only for 3 days." 
 

My favorite for this week:
What sound does a cat make when it's on fire? Whooosh!