Historic One-liners, short jokes, and points to ponder.

 
I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls.

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I got tired of treasure hunting, so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant "X".

How many weeks are there in a light year?

A policeman pulled me over and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "You should really ask a psychic!"

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino's Pizza sign off the top.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The things that come to those who wait are actually the things that were left by those who got there first!

Can bald people get a hairline fracture?

Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us would have never been born!

If you get mono twice, isn't that stereo?

My frosted flakes melted in the summer.

I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.

A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo. Police suspect a copycat killer.

I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them that I'm psyhic.

If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we'll really be in a jam.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the good news?" Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "I should have called you yesterday!"

If you're on a cruise, you're with newlyweds, over-feds and nearly deads!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

Patient: "Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I'm Mickey Mouse, some days I think I'm Donald Duck" Doctor: "How long have you had these Disney spells?"

I'm a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they're playing.

Did you hear about the two maggots making love in dead Earnest?

Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer?

Another way to say "water" is H2O. It sounds fancy, but it's just h, i, j, k, l, m, n and o.

If vampires have no reflection, how do they have such neat hair?

I have three beautiful children. I have four children, but only three are beautiful.

My friend is dieting. He says weight gain is due to water retention. My weight gain is due to ice cream retention.

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats.

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there is a clock on the oven.

Two fish are in a tank. One says the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

My car's brakes aren't working, so I bought an anchor.

A cemetery raised its costs, but blamed it on the cost of living.

I saw a homeless person getting off a bus, and I thought, "How does he know which stop is his?"

I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.

The last thing I need to worry about is my anxiety disorder.

A man was examined at a hospital and was awaiting the results. The doctor comes in and says, "I have bad news. You're going to die in 10." The panic-striken man says, "10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?" The doctor says, "9 - 8 - 7 - 6...."

I may look stupid, but it's hereditary.

My new workout plan is working! I'm benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 - whenever the weights are free.

"Did your deaf aunt make it to her hearing?" "No, she was impaired!"

Are children who act in R-rated movies allowed to see them?

Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

How do they get the "Keep off the grass" sign on the grass?

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

When French people swear, do they say "Pardon my English"?

I ran five miles today. Finally, I had to say, "OK Lady, here's your purse back."

A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks, "Make me one with everything!"

Overweight is something that just snacks up on you.

Doctor to patient: "I'd tell you what your condition is, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it!"

When someone hits you in the face, turn the other cheek. That way the swelling is even!

I went to a ballet once. I couldn't even tell who won.

There are 3 essential tools: duct tape, WD40 and a hammer. If something is moving and it shouldn't be, duct tape it. If it isn't moving and it should be, use WD40. If it still doesn't move, hit it with a hammer. If it breaks, tape it back together with the duct tape.

Patient: "Doctor, something is wrong! I'm shrinking!" Doctor: "Now, now - you'll have to be a little patient!"

I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall, but they were all out.

Saturn is the richest planet, you can tell by all the rings.

I joined a secret club; the guy at the door asked me, "What's the password?" I told him, "Aren't you supposed to know that?"

How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine? It's the one with the teeth marks.

Life begins when you're born, and ends with an E.

I had to catch a train, so I got a really big mitt.

I have a Master's Degree in Engineering. I told the owner I'll return in in two days.

Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again".

Two buckets of vomit were walking down the street. One says to the other, "That's where I was brought up!"

How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? Ask him for his autograph.

How do you find an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.

A woman discovers an intruder in the kitchen eating the leftover steak and kidney pie. The husband asks, "Should I call the police or an ambulance?"

Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.

Have you heard that priests can kiss the nuns now? It's okay as long as they don't get in the habit.

Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.

I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, "Sorry about the weight!"

My wife and I were told we couldn't have children - by our landlord.

My favorite for this week:
What sound does a cat make when it's on fire? Whooosh!
 

Watch for more one-liners, short jokes, and points to ponder next week.