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Otis
Reading made famous one of the dumbest songs--Sittin' on the dock of
the bay. In my humble opinion that song is just about the
most pointless song every. One comedian (sorry, I can't
remember who), said, it might just as well have said: "I'm sittin
in my easy chair, I get up and I walk over there. I turn my
head and look all around, I walk back and I sit right
down." And he's right, it really would be just as
meaningful.
I say all that to say, that song has been in my head a lot. But I guess my version would be: "I'm sittin' in a chair on the deck, should I get up, well, what the heck. The waiter brings me drinks on demand, I've always got a glass in my hand." Dumb song... Have you been reading my Cruise Blog? Do you want to see where we are right now? AAAAAAAAAH, vacation.
Here are the last of my
collection of one-liners and classic jokes.
This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures. Bill Clinton liked Monica's dress from the moment he spotted it. For God's sake, why are you hanging around with athiests? I met a woman named "Viamonte". I said, "You don't hear that name every day!" She said, "Well, actually, I do." A woman got into her car and discovered that the steering wheel was gone, the radio was gone, the accelerator and brake pedals were gone. She was just about to report it to the police when she discovered she was in the back seat. It's hell to get old. A man said, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," another woman replied, "It's Thursday." An old man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a Coke." Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It's all over town. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy. Why did he leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom! How do you circumcise a whale? You send down four skin divers. What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame. What do you call twin babies waiting to be born? Wombmates. Why do fire departments have Dalmatians? So they can find the hydrants. Do midgets get paid under the table? I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing. Would lactose-intolerant people go to the Non-Dairy Queen? The meek may inherit the earth, but they'll be too humble to accept it. A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!" I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met. I used to sell "No Soliciting" signs door to door.
"Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer." -- Unknown
 What have you done for me lately?I had a boss once that would wander into my office and
abruptly ask:
"How much money have you raised for me today?" The
best part (or
maybe worst part) is he was serious. He was not
interested in
yesterday, much less last week. We wanted to know about
today. In the 117th Psalm, we see great advice to remember if, like me, you ever have those moments. Below you will find my version of it. I took three translations (NIV, KJB, NASB) and merged them together to form a version I like the sound of: 1O praise the LORD, all ye nations; Laud Him, all peoples! 2For His loving kindness is great toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise ye the LORD.
  Need I say more?
 If you like bargains, but aren't looking for anything specifically, or RIGHT NOW; then www.woot.com
might be a good site for you to look at every day.
This site has ONE item on sale everyday. That item is
normally significantly reduced in price. For the most part,
the stuff is new, but at times the products are reconditioned or
refurbished--they are always clearly noted as such.
You can't be in a hurry, but if
you want to new printer, but don't really need one....keep
looking. When I was writing this piece they were offering a
new Kodak Easy Share All in One Printer for only
$59.99. But, once the supply is gone, they are gone.
And, if you're lucky, you'll happen on the page in the midst of a "Woot-Off". During these days, they will throw up varied items, 1 at a time, and sell them for a ridiculously low price until they're gone, at which point they feature a new item. Could last 5 minutes, could last an hour, you never know! And, you get so caught up that you never want to leave in fear of losing out on that one deal you could never live without. It is a fun look each day. Bookmark it and check it out...you never know what you might 'need'. |
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funnies@clmcgown.com
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