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Updates
From the Field: Kenya # 41: April 29, 2009 |
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| Dear Friends, I have an adverse reaction to change. Any slight shift in relationships, location or routine sets me off a little bit. (Or a LOT bit). I think it has to do with letting go of control and facing the unknown. Though I have grown a lot, I still struggle with the process of transition. Martha Beck says, "Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full on metamorphosis." Last week, I officially applied to return to the States at the end of the year. It has made me think a lot about that change in my life. When I'm honest about it, I find myself excited about being close to friends and family and all things familiar. However, this experience has changed me in a lot of ways. I'm not sure what it will be like to be this "me" in a first world country. My needs have changed. In the U.S., I have a lot of things, friends, and space. I lived in two huge residences in my first two appointments, and I loved to fill them with friends and with things I found at garage sales. I preferred to be with people than to be alone. I now live comfortably in three small rooms, what I was able to ship over from America and a handful of close friends. I enjoy my solitude here and often crave to be alone. I think with all I see and experience, I'm able to process it better in my own space and time. I don't even notice how small my apartment is anymore. I don't even remember half of the things that are waiting for me in storage. In Kenya, I need God, I need encouragement, I need restoration, I need my alone time, and I need my one close friend who listens. My needs have changed. My definition of crisis has changed. In my first corps appointment, I had a melt down because I thought we served week old potato salad. I was convinced we had just poisoned every person who came to feeding programme. Here, I deal with centres not having enough money to pay salaries. I deal with kids living on the streets, because there are no other options for them. I deal with families who can only afford to eat once a day or every other day. I deal with fighting staff, corrupt police or government and tribalism. On Saturday, I visited a photo exhibit documenting the post election violence. I had no idea the horrors I was shielded from at the time. I studied pictures of burned bodies, dead children and raging mobs. My definition of crisis has changed. My relationship with God has changed. There are days when I feel in control and content, and I forget to lean on God. Everything is good, so I don't remember how weak I am. ( not sure if that makes sense). Then, there are the majority of days here when I feel that it is all too much for me. It is all too much for me. Those are the days, I beg God to handle it. I ask Him to provide for those with nothing. I plead for His wisdom when making the hard decisions. I yearn for His forgiveness, as I realize what the stress has done to my personality. He answers every time. No matter how many times I come. He is molding me into a person who needs Him desperately, and I should have realized that a long time ago. I have to let Armida be less and less here, because God is the only one who can take care of it all - even when it doesn't work out the way I want it to. My relationship with God has changed. I think it is not too early to be this introspective. Part of me fears that in this transition, I will want to forget the hard times here. I will want to embrace what my western life has to offer and push down all my Kenyan life revealed to me. The other part of me prays that I am fully changed. That my metamorphosis will build on what is different in me and mold me even more to be more Christlike. The verse of the week is:
"Depend on the Lord; trust Him and He will take care of you" - Psalm 37:5 Armida LaMarr |
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